Unwell

Yesterday at church, I had a brief but refreshing conversation with two precious Christian women about each of our experiences with panic attacks. I believe from the looks of their faces that it was a relief to know that each one was not alone. Recently, Ed Stetzer and LifeWay Research found that 66 percent of protestant clergy mention mental illness once a year or never, yet one in four Americans have suffered with mental illness. If you have experienced a panic attack specifically, it is extremely comforting to know others who have dealt with similar issues. Some of the people I admire and respect the most have went through similar trials. One of my mentors, Clayton King, warned about the dangers of burnout. One of my professors at Biola University, Dr. Scott Smith, has shared his story with anxiety. This is my story in brief. These are my answers to common questions I have received about my bout with panic attacks.

What precipitated your panic attacks?

Doubt

I am a minister of the gospel with an unrelenting questioning intellect. Dr. Gary Habermas describes my form of doubt as "frequently caused by the type of personality which enjoys problem solving…In other words, this type of uncertainty actually spurs some individuals to work out dilemmas which interest them, or to get to the root of practical applications with the intent of finding which solutions actually work." When one has serious questions about the Foundation and Fountain of his or her life, it can wreak havoc on one's peace of mind.

Bitterness

After being stirred by Clayton King's mentoring network and supported by my best friends, we lead a week of summer camp at our alma mater. We had over 100 students with 12 salvations. It was awesome. A month later, Mr. Smith emailed me. He asked if we could talk over the phone, and we talked the following day. He asked me about my plans since Clayton King's mentoring networked had completed. I shared with him details about the camp we lead, and he asked if I wanted to meet up with him after an engagement. I agreed. He said he would call me later with the details. Two months passed, and I never heard back from him. I found out later that the day we were supposed to meet he visited my alma mater. He had a good visit and a contract was written for him to bring a summer camp to the college. This was a wonderful opportunity for him. I do not own rights to my alma mater or the Lord's work. Simultaneously, I could not help feeling I had been taken advantage of since the purpose of his call was a relationship not a reference. It angered me that he was not open and transparent with me. If he believed it to be God's will, why not share it with me? I confronted him through several phone calls and emails, but there was never any reconciliation. My anger grew to bitterness.

Overload

In my intellectual pride, I foolishly took ten units my first graduate semester. This was an unhealthy class load given a full-time job and being recently married.

Predisposition

Before she passed away, my grandmother was one my stalwart prayer warriors. We confided in one another. She shared with me about her struggles with anxiety. My grandmother and I had many experiences in common. Consequently, I think these kind of mental conditions may run in my family. This does not mean that an individual is destined to develop such mental conditions.

How did you treat them?

First

I could only treat my panic attack once it was too late. I would take a Benadryl to become drowsy enough to take a nap. After taking a nap, it seemed like I would reset and could go about my day until the next stressor. This is a terrible way to live.

Second

The panic attacks became so controlling over my life that I actually was unable to preach one Sunday. I remain deeply appreciative of my wife, pastor, and family for their care. My pastor sent me home, suggested adjustments to my schedule and that I see a doctor, and preached on the fly in my stead.

Third

In ongoing consultation with my doctor, I was prescribed two medications for my panic attacks. Taking psychiatric medications is a controversial issue in the Christian community. Here is my philosophy in nontechnical terms. Your mind uses your brain much like a pianist uses a piano. One without the other cannot make music. There are varying skilled pianists and various conditions of pianos. Music from a piano can sound badly in two ways. One is from a pianist with very little skill. Two is from a piano in need of repairing or tuning. In the same way, your mind, decisions, and lifestyle can adversely affect your brain, and your brain impairments can adversely affect how your mind experiences the world around you and how you express yourself. There is a deep unity between them, but they are distinct. God has the power to heal both mind and brain. Simultaneously, we are responsible to steward to the best of our ability our minds and our brains. We must be spiritually disciplined, and I do not believe it is wrong to treat our brains medicinally, just like we would with any other part of our body, to help repair or tune them. It should be understood that medicine will not fix our spiritual condition, and we would be foolish to isolate any mental condition as just spiritual or just physical.

What will you do differently?

Trust God.

As described, my doubts actually spurred me to pursue a master's degree in Christian Apologetic at Biola University. Apologetics is therapy for the Christian intellect. Not only have I received answers for my serious questions, but also the skills to research for answers to my future questions. God exists. He created the universe. He sent His one and only Son, Jesus Christ, to die for our sins and raised Him from the dead as proof. He never leaves nor forsakes us. He pours out His Holy Spirit on all who believe to comfort and guide them. He will return for us soon, and we will rejoice in Him forever.

As I was coming out of my dark night of the soul, I wrote this:

I've got a billion questions in my mind

I want to believe, but do you really consider it a crime

To have my doubts as if you're disguised

Is it wrong or am I all right?

But I'm finding that my ways are not your ways

It's something I can't figure out in just a couple days

It takes a leap of faith

To leave this earth and fly into the heavenlies

It comes as a blow to my pride

To have considered your presence nothing more than a lie

But now my eyes are open and I see

You've been there all along loving on me

Forgive and give it to God.

A year ago, I sent an email to Mr. Smith. I informed him that I had been praying for him and that I had been bitter towards him. I told him that I loved him, even if he was unaware of his offence toward me, and I asked for his forgiveness. I erased all of our correspondence as to not harbor bitterness against him. To my understanding, he never admitted any wrong. Consequently, I have given the matter to God.

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Romans 12:17-21

Prioritize according to Jesus.

It was humbling for me to cut back on my class load, but I have to keep things in Kingdom perspective.

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:25-34

Pray for healing.

It's become cliché, but truth is as old as God Himself.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

Today was my checkup with my doctor. Due to the progress my doctor has observed, I am now only on one medication to be taken only as needed. To God be the Glory.